Words my phone writes when I'm swyping the word 'definitely'

• sunbelt
• soberly
• Donnelly
• shively
• comely
• finely
• secondly
• Dinwiddie
• debentures
• dwindling

Half of these words I have never spoken in my life, much less texted. F*ck you swype. You make my life A LIVING HELL.

It's called machine intelligence. Learn about it.

Sh*t Ty Says

Me: Stop exaggerating.
Ty: I have never once ever, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, exaggerated.

Ty: I finally know what I want to do with my life. I want to train bears for movies. Well, bears or tigers. I can't decide...

Ty: It wasn't the whole weekend. It was only two days.

Friend: What's Danny's middle name?
Ty: I wanna say..... Claire....

Ty: My day started this morning before work and won't end until tomorrow after work.
Me: Well at least you get to sleep in between.
Ty: SLEEP?! That's just like a portal to hell!

Ty: You can virtual jump-rope anywhere. I'm virtual jump-roping right now!

Ty: Wanna go to Chernobyl and look for zombies?
Me: No.
Ty: FINE! DON'T HAVE FUN!

Ty: I read a really long book once. I even memorized a lot of it.
Me: What book was it?
Ty: The dictionary.

Ty: If all were at the cabin, the world would be at peace.

It's called philosophical little bros. I've learned all about it....

Things I'm Afraid Of

• Sentences that end in prepositions
• Sharks
• Pushing on a door that says pull
• Being in a boat when a submarine surfaces underneath it
• Long, wet hair wrapped around my fingers
• Choking on my own spit while I'm alone and dying
• Long, wet hair wrapped around my toes
• The wind being so strong that it rips my open window off its hinges and it flies to the ground and kills a person, or a dog
• Going blind
• Birds flying at my head
• Acid burns
• Bugs laying eggs under my skin or in my ear canal
• Having the intense, sudden, uncontrollable urge to poop when I'm driving
• Public speaking

Totally and completely reasonable. It's called probability. Learn about it. (I'm talking to you, self)

Anti- Pick-up Lines

These are perfect for using when you don't want to be rude or mean to someone but you want them to get the hell away from you. Warning: these may make you seem: disgusting, like an alcoholic/drug addict, like a stupid dum dum and/or an elitist.

• Sorry if my breath is bad. I haven't brushed my teeth for a couple days.
• My mom drank a lot when she was pregnant.
• I'm 99% sure I'm in the lowest 1%. Smart wise. 
• I learned soooo much from Twilight!
• I learned soooo much from 50 Shades of Gray!
• I'M HIGH ON MESCALINE! What is mescaline anyways....?
• Lindsay Lohan is an inspiration to us all.
• Which one is the specific ocean?
• I don't believe in shaving. Except for guys' balls.
• Breaking Bad sucks.
• Arrested Development isn't funny.
• What? (repeated after EVERYTHING)
• I only drink chilled red wine from 1993.
• I only drink UV Blue.
• Which one's the president again?
• There's a strong possibility I was roofied last night. 
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't on meth.
• I spent 10 hours weaving this underwear out of hemp!
• SHHH! Don't move. Pretend we're talking. He's right behind you. This never happened.
• I have herpes. At least I think it's herpes. Can herpes be on your butt?
• This ALWAYS happens! (commence crying)
• Omg Jerry! JERRY! I haven't seen you in forever! (do not give up insisting they are a long lost friend)
• I'm here illegally. We can date if you wanna marry me.
• You can see me?!
• The password is 'forever leather' and the countdown is nigh. GO GO GO! (run away)

If none of these work, there's always the Jenna Marbles face.

It's not called anything. Don't learn about it.

Convo Between Elis

He's not the worst person I've ever met...

M: He’s got a personality like warm milk. Sandpaper is more fun and interesting.
E: He’s a funsucker, wet blanket, debbie downer, buzzkill, made me want to kill myself…
M: awkward as fuck
E: he’s a dementor
M: his sense of humor kills kittens
E: I would rather get a real job than spend ten minutes alone with him.
M: I’d rather hit him in the face with a dead fish than punch hitler.
E: I’d rather lick a dirty dollar then dig a ditch than look at him in boxers.
M:His face is the last horcrux.
E: I’d rather have sex with He Who Must Not Be Named than pretend to laugh at his “jokes”
M: Dobby wouldn’t even take his sock.

It's called referencing Harry Potter...   Learn about it. 

Ways to Make Money Quickly and Reasonably

Meg:  how can you make money fast besides whoring yourself or your plasma out??

Mel:

• drugs
• do your taxes
• panhandling
• garage sale
• pawn america
• change jar
• steal
• pawn other peoples things
• sell your gold jewelry
• to the gold guys
• write fake complaints to places like perkins and they’ll give you gift cards
• steal shit and then return it for gift cards
• become an extreme couponer
• take all the coins from a public fountain
• ask to borrow 5 dollars from every single friend you have
• and then never pay them back
• become an escort but don’t sleep with any of them
• sell your car and take the bus
• sell your car for parts and take the bus
• go to the grocery store for old people
• wash people’s windshields at street corners
• collect cans
• find abandoned houses and take all the scrap metal
• offer to haul people recyclables and electronics for money and then just throw the crap in puget sound
• siphon gas from other people’s tanks so you don’t have to pay for it
• obtain a fake identity and rack up massive amounts of credit card debt
• scam old people with emails about inheritances that don’t exist
• kidnap someone for ransom
• steal the newspaper from around your neighborhood and then sell them downtown on the street
• kidnap yourself for ransom

There, now you know. It's called creative problem solving. Learn about it.

Marketability

Honestly, who thought getting a job would be harder than actually keeping a job? Or being in school? Yes, I graduated at the worst possible time since 1930 but still, is this not America? Yes, it is. I guess it's my fault for not obtaining more valuable experience while in college. I thought I was obtaining the most valuable experience but apparently "Beer Pong Champion" and "Mario Partier" are not considered elite titles outside of my group of friends. Don't get me wrong, I did very well in school, just not as well as I could have if I had devoted more of my time to things like internships and extra-curricular activities.  At the time, my social life felt like the best choice. I wanted to make the most out of my 4 (okay, 5) years and I did, sort of. At what other time in my life could I get away with showing up 50% of the time but still be able to obtain a "job well done" (in the form of a letter grade)? Probably never. So I took advantage. Now I'm finding myself with a scattering of marketable skills and no passion for anything. Sarcasm, clever puns and knowledge of world geography gets you nowhere these days. It's called marketability. Learn about it.